Im in a bit of a state tonight,
actually a huge state I feel sick, I have a bad tummy , goosebumps, hot sweats, I have not been able to sit still, I’ve been tidying and making sure everything is straight and in the right place (thats what I do when I’m stressed) and I’m Itchy, itchy like I’ve never been before in all my 39 years. Every bit of me itches, especially my nose and in my ears, I’ve been clawing at myself for hours, I’ve had to take my sickness meds and a diazepam to try and calm myself down. As well as anti histamines.
Its no mystery whats wrong with me tonight…tomorrow Ollies case is up before the panel.
Not only that…so far I’ve only named one preference, because I’ve been left floundering by pupil services so long I didn’t know how many to name, the one I’ve named is perfect although a little far, the panel asked me to name one more preference, after frantic emails and calls to a much closer asd unit I’ve secured a visit and meeting with the other, nearer asd unit tomorrow at 9a.m on panel day
I’ve already emailed Ollies sen caseworker to state that I want to name this other one as a second preference just in case, but that leaves so much uncertainty, what If he gets a placement at this one but It turns out that I didn’t like the look or feel of it, what If he gets a placement at my original first preference but the new one turns out to be better, as well as much closer? What if he gets neither one?
I wont lie, I know very little about how the whole panel thing works, do they have to decide on a placement tomorrow, can they choose a school I’ve not even named, is their decision still subject to appeals from schools, I don’t know
How long will it be before I hear the decision? I don’t know, can I appeal the panels decision? I just don’t know I’ve had such little guidance.
The only things I know are that; I will never ever again let Ollie go to a school that I don’t 100% believe is right for him, I’m ridiculously nervous about visiting the asd unit tomorrow, what if I’m a big itchy nauseous panicky mess again?
I will be taking a diazepam before I leave and the rescue spray is in my bag…but still! Im also sick with nerves over what the panel will decide and what happens next. This is my sons future being decided on.
Please wish me some peace to get through the night calmly, some strength to get through the meeting at the unit tomorrow and some luck, so that things can start going right for my darling boy and so that his future may be bright and fulfilling for him.
Right now all I can do is itch…and itch…
Tomorrow I must be braver than I believe , stronger than I seem and smarter than I think!
Who’s with me ?