Today I have had ALL the anger.
Why is not important, but its been a very very angry day.
I very rarely say bad words, mostly because theres really just no need, also because most of Ollie’s tics are verbal and I worry that he may pick up a swear as a tic if he hears them. Today though I said ALL OF THE SWEARS, lots of times. I also shouted, cried and then cried some more.
Im not, by nature an angry person, I hate being angry. Its a very exhausting emotion but today it hit me really hard.
After going through every negative emotion under the sun I realised why I had been so very angry, the thing that made me angry was enough in itself, but it was in fact a culmination of lots of things that I have been keeping inside for a very long time. Lots of things that were a part of the same problem, which snowballed into a huge rage.
A lot of the time the reason I don’t get angry about things is because I let them go, but I let them go without resolving them, making it easier to not be angry in the short term, but clearly the anger is still there bubbling away, beneath the surface, waiting for something to tip the balance, when all the anger comes out at once.
Today has been exhausting, really exhausting, feeling so angry, crying, shouting, doing the swears, I have not enjoyed today, but it brought me some clarity.
Bottling up bad feelings, pushing down negative emotions, brushing the ugly stuff aside its not healthy.
Im not going to suddenly become a very angry person, but what I’ve realised is that I need to resolve things, deal with situations I don’t like, and then move on.
I need to address the niggles as I go along, not put up with things, not brush things aside, not write things off as “no big deal”.
Sometimes its necessary to confront things you would rather not confront, allowing yourself to move on without the weight on your shoulders or the feeling squashed down in the pit of your tummy.
Sometimes you need to allow yourself to feel the anger (not necessarily vent it in the form of all the swears) and deal with it so that you can truly feel the calm….or something .