A wing and a prayer

Today I ironed the school uniforms, I hung them on hangers, organised and ready. Routines are being practised and are falling into place.
We’ve bought the school shoes, the bags, the stationary (is it just mine that have a case full of pens, pencils, erasers…at the beginning of september, them by october they own just a solitary chewed biro?)
Everything is ready…prepared…and yet I don’t feel we are ready at all.
I try to talk about school every day but when I ask
Ollie how he is feeling about school he only answers with “I feel ok”
I can tell from Ollies bad moods and quick temper this week that his anxiety is creeping up, he’s having more and more “quiet time” as school gets nearer.
There were tears because his new school jumper is “miles too big” it isn’t!
The haircut thats he has been asking for “before school starts” didn’t happen today.
There is a time bomb, and its ticking.
I cant do any more than I have done to prepare us for next week, but I don’t think its enough.
I cant prepare for the moment on wednesday morning when the realisation hits him that he is going to school .
I cant precision plan the bus journey because…well, London buses.
I know that I need to be very calm about the whole thing, but knowing what Ollie went through as his old school and knowing how anxious he must be makes it very difficult to be calm.
There was a time when I was so devastated for him that I wanted to never send him to school again, and now I am 10 months later, and I want my boy to be safe, I’m scared for him.
However much I plan and prepare there are things that hang in the balance, things that can tip the whole thing over the edge.
I know that when Ollie has been in an anxious or stressful situation he often explodes afterwards, I know from experience that it often happens on the way home from places.
Assuming we get to school , I have to bring him home, we have to wait for a bus, near a road, where there will be other people, looking, judging if he explodes, we have to ride on the bus, when he was younger he used to lay on the bus floor screaming and thrashing around before and after school, I have to get him from the bus stop to the house, all the while near roads, people, I have to keep him safe, he’s fast, strong, stubborn…just playing the scenario out in my head is pushing my anxiety through the roof.
Not to mention the worry over his first morning, the first playtime, the first lunchtime, the first time someone annoys him….
I know that this school is right for him, But I also know that the next few weeks ( months??) are going to be rocky, I know that however much I prepare everything will be riding on a wing and a prayer and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Every time you comment a fairy gets her wings , please help the fairies 😊

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s